A Hole Lot of Bother

Nottingham City Council removed all the conkers off a conker tree the other day for health and safety reasons. A 4 year old girl was struck on the head with a stick that had been hoyed up into the tree to try and dislodge a big fat juicy conker, so the council reacted calmly and sensibly by erecting a raised platform to send a couple of lads into the branches to pull all the prickly little beggars down. There. Sorted. No more stick hoying. No more 4 year old girls bashed on the head.

I wonder what the council lads and lasses in Nottingham would have made of my 6 year old's school this week.

The school raised a load of dosh last year so that they could build a little canopy in the school yard, extending from one of the classrooms. Picnic tables were added, so that in the summer, the kids had a shaded outdoor classroom, and in the winter they could use it to shelter from the rain at playtime. (We don't have indoor playtime in the north - we just chuck the kids out whatever the weather!)

And so, on Monday, a little girl from reception class and her pal decided to play around the brand new picnic tables. They decided to play a game called 'put your arm through the umbrella hole and see how far you can get it before it gets stuck.' What a great game! But it didn't last that long. The little girl impressively managed to wedge her arm up to the elbow...then couldn't get it out.

Soap was used, but to no avail - the arm was well and truly stuck. "It went all fat, mum," described the 6 year old, "and purple."

And so, much to the delight of 150 children, the fire brigade were called. The head teacher told all the kids to move right back, and showed them the point that they were not to pass. I think she thought that they would just get on playing again, but no - all 150 children stood in a long line, watching from afar.

The fire engine arrived, and, just to add to the drama, an ambulance. As the burly firemen filed through the school gates, all 150 children gasped. One of them was carrying a saw.

'We thought he was going to saw her arm off!' the 6 year old beamed delightedly.

A couple of minutes later, thankfully it was the picnic table that got hacked to pieces - not the little girls arm, and she was soon released - much to the relief of everyone - including her mother who, according to the 6 year old had to be 'called out of a very important place' to be there with her very bemused daughter.

The new health and safety menace targeting small children

And so, dear friends. Forget conkers. There is a new health and safety menace in our parks, schools and gardens.....Picnic tables......Ban them! Chop them all up for firewood....they are lethal!